#without making a single joke about ''the worst pies in london''

[sieben9]

“it’s not easy being green” impressions

Well, there's good news and bad news.

The bad news...

Yeah.

The good news is that this episode of "oh look, more pain!" is delivered by the best collection of one-liners since the Cricket Game.

"You're insane!" "Besides the point."

God, I missed this sparkly asshole.

Look, I try to get my joy where I can find it. See how well I managed under the cut.

And the parade of terrible OUaT-parents continues!

You know, I’ve had this theory that Henry’s “you’re adopted” conversation didn’t go too well, but… probably still better than this one.

Also, Walsh is back!

Hi, Walsh

Sorry things went like they did, buddy, you seemed kind of nice. (In an untrustworthy way, I mean.)

OK, Once, we have to talk. Specifically, if you want some sympathy for the devil, maybe wait an episode or three between the painful character death and the tragic backstory. Yes, I know, shorter seasons, but I just checked, and there were ten full episodes between "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" and "The Stable Boy". Maybe you could have found room for two? Also, you know, less of the gloating over the grieving parent. That... may have helped.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think the episode's effect was deliberate. Yes, this was Zelena's "evil isn't born, it's made" story, and it's clear that her awful home life damaged her badly, but still... there was this whole theme about "her insides showing", and while Regina obviously started out as a kind girl who, between Cora and Rumple, got pushed around until she broke and then just kept going that direction, because what would have been the point otherwise, Zelena just... well, whines a lot.

.3 seconds between finding out she has a sister and hating her guts has got to be some kind of record, though

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is a bad backstory, I was just left with that “cool motive, still murder” impression. I did feel sorry for young Zelena to an extent. It just wasn't a very big one.

Also, this episode was a good reminder why I called OUaT "Dramatic Irony, the series", because each and every interaction between young Zelena and sparkly Rumple had me cringing in my seat. Not because they were bad (honestly, these two are amazing together and seeing them play this entirely different dynamic was a joy to watch), but because uuuugh, it's all about to go so terribly wrong and then it's going to go even more terribly wrong in the future, and everything is awful!

so the guy rejects you and you decide to, take away his autonomy, lock him in a cage, and kill his son? ...yeah, that seems healthy. and proportionate.

Anyway, back in the present, something entirely unexpected happened.

I genuinely enjoyed the Hook-subplot. And I know why, too. He wasn't being weirdly "flirty“ or demanded anything in return for taking care of Henry, he just seemed genuinely concerned with keeping Bae's son out of trouble and honouring his memory by telling Henry a little about his father. It was nice. I seem to like Hook best when he's in the role of "that weird cousin who's not really related to any of us, but we let him hang out anyway". Yes, I know, not exactly snappy.

Anyway, also in the present: witch fight!

Not going to lie, after I was done writhing on the ground in agony, because no, Rumple, this was hands down my favourite part of the episode. And not just because Regina punched Zelena in the face. ...also because of that, but not just. The fight showcased both their abilities and their character very well. Zelena is clearly more powerful, but she works completely alone -- well, there's Rumple, but only under extreme protest. Regina, on the other hand, basically wins this round (alright, "survives" is more what happened), because she could trust another person enough to keep her greatest weakness safe for her. That's some grade-A character growth right there.

I'm not quite sure how this arc will wrap up, exactly, but if Regina (and the ways she's grown as a person) don't play a significant role in defeating her sister, I will be very disappointed. They've already set up all these connections, parallels, and contrasts. Would be good to do something with them.

Oh, and the whole snark off during the fight ("Black is my colour!" or "Never bring your heart to a witch fight")? Pure awesome. Very good and happy stuff to set off all the awful, earlier.

What "awful", you ask? So glad you did! (Nope, no getting out of this, I had to suffer and so do you)

kudos to Belle for NOT getting in there with him, though; good genre-savvy

Turns out even True Love doesn't help all that much against the dagger's control. Damnit. I really had some hope for a while there. Not that he'd get out, because we're not quite there, yet, in the season arc, but maybe some hint that Belle could help him free himself? Just a little one? Ah, well. Guess we'll have to do this the old-fashioned way, after all. And I am glad that they made at least a token attempt at getting Rumple out of there. Mind you, it was motivated by "oh no, Gold will kill us all" rather than "holy crap she's got the guy in a dog kennel", but at least they tried...

(Also, seriously, can't someone pickpocket the dagger away from the woman or something? Not looking at you, Robin, but basically looking at you, Robin.)

I think that's everything. Oh, one honourable mention goes to the best-worst one-liner, because it was so drenched in gallow's humour, I could almost hear the rope creak.

"What, no meat pie?"

I'd tell you not to snark at the unstable lady with your remote control dagger, but honestly it can't get much worse at this point. Snark away

And after all that, we finally know both Zelena’s motivation and goal. Which is... uh... Time travel, huh?

Should... should we tell her about the hat? I mean, no, obviously we should not tell her about the hat, but I'm just saying. You may be making this overly complicated, lady.

Then again, this is not the face of someone who cares about little things like that, is it?

You know, from what I've just seen, the episode title is a complete and utter lie. It's not being green that's difficult.

Also, I just wanted to mention something that's been bothering me on an Evil Overlord List level. There's absolutely no need to keep Rumple in that cage. She could have put him in the guest room and said "stay here", and that would have had the same effect. Yes, I know, not the point, but still. It's unprofessional, lady.

[avengerscompound]

The Unicorn - Chapter 19

The Unicorn:  A Pepperony Fanfic PREVIOUS

Series Masterlist

Buy me a coffee with Ko-fi Word Count:    1805

Pairing:  Tony Stark x F!Reader x Pepper Potts

Warnings:  pregnancy, sex talk, anxiety

Synopsis:  You, Tony and Pepper go to London to see if you think it might fit.

Chapter 19

“What are you eating now?”  Tony asked as he came into the kitchen to find you and Pepper sitting at the table with a large pile of white grease stained butchers paper laid out in front of you both and the smell of fried food lingering in the air.

“Fish and chips, gov’na,”  You answered putting on a very strong, very bad version of a cockney accent.

He let out a breath and sat down.  The three of you had been in London three days now and you had taken to traditional English food pretty strongly.  It was like, whatever it was about Shepherd's Pies, eggs rolled in sausage meat and pastries filled with ground beef, carrot, and peas, was just hitting all your specific cravings.

“Thank god,”  He said sitting down and grabbing one of the thick fries.  Chips really but he was having trouble thinking of them like that.  Also, chips being called crisps threw him every single time he came to England.  “I thought you were going to be eating black pudding again.”

“Oh, now you mention it,”  You said getting up.  

Pepper caught you by the wrist and pulled you back down into your seat.  “No.  My stomach can't handle you eating blood right now.”

“I thought cured meats were a no-no.”  Tony said.  “I swear that’s what it said in all that paperwork Doctor Singh gave us.”

“I looked it up.  If you cook it it's fine.”  You said starting to assemble a pile of fries onto some buttered white bread.  “Also it's super high in iron so it's good for you.”

“I’m super high in iron.”  Tony joked, nudging you with his elbow.

“Tony!”  Pepper yelped.  “You are so gross.”

Tony chuckled and tore off a piece of the battered fish and then ate it slowly as you added ketchup to your fries, put another piece of bread on top and took a bite.  “Enough carbs for you, dear?”  He asked.

“Barely.  You know how exhausting it is to grow two people?”  You answered with your mouth full.

“Swallow before you speak, for the love of god,”  Pepper said rubbing her temples.  “I’m going to have to look after five kids aren’t I?  Why didn’t I consider that before I got myself into this mess?”

You chewed and swallowed and leaned over and gave Pepper a sloppy kiss on the cheek.   “You love it.”

She rolled her eyes and Tony chuckled grabbing himself a fry.  “Where did this come from anyway?”

“The place two blocks over.”  You answered.

“Did you drive?”

“Walked.”

“Alone?”

You sighed dramatically and sunk into your chair a little.  “I’m an Avengers’ special Agent, Tony.”

“You’re the pregnant girlfriend of two very high profile billionaires, one of whom is a big name in an organization that specifically take out terrorist groups,”  Tony argued.

He wasn’t normally so concerned about the safety of you.  Pepper he worried about, but Pepper didn’t take unnecessary risks.  She took Happy with her when she went out.  She knew she needed security with her.  Besides, he’d seen her in action when she was put in danger, she could handle that shit.

Not that you couldn’t take care of yourself.  Like you said, you were a special agent.  You had the training.  You could kick ass.  You were, however, reckless.  You didn’t really know the worst of what celebrity brought because until recently you’d been protected by both anonymity and being at the Compound where there was a strict no-fly zone and a secure border that press couldn’t cross without invitation.

The paparazzi had gotten very interested in you when they had taken you to the gala to announce the relationship the three of you were in.  You had then returned to the compound where all they could do was dig up photos on social media and speak to friends and family about you.

Public appearances always had the throng of press but that was different.  You went with security.  You were dressed up. You had prepared.  Being at the airport was similar but you flew via private jet so it was easy to be picked up directly from the hanger and to just avoid it.  Otherwise, yeah, when they were in New York looking at houses occasionally they’d get spotted and asked for autographs or photographed from the distance.  It was worse again in LA though easy enough to avoid mass groups of the vultures.  Here… here was different.

Here they gathered around your door and just waited.  They were obsessed with getting photos of you looking anything less than perfect.  They wanted photos of baby bumps since word had gotten out that there was a pregnancy.  The news of ‘expecting a baby’ had been released, but the three of you hadn’t said who was pregnant or how many were due.  It was the subject of a lot of speculation.  It was a sideshow.  No one could step outside the door without flashbulbs going off directly in your face and people yelling out about babies and threesomes.  It worried Tony.  He’d grown up with it so he’d gotten used to it.  You hadn’t.

Not only had you not grown up with it, but you also didn’t seem to get how dangerous it was.  You kept just going out and flipping them off.  You answered their inane questions with ridiculous answers.  Tony might think it was funny, but he was genuinely worried you might actually get hurt.  That worry spiraled out into worry about the children too.  How could he raise children in the heart of this city if it meant that every time they went out they’d be set upon by paparazzi?

“I took Happy, okay?”  You said.

He let out a breath.  “Thank you.”

“We can’t live here can we?”  Pepper asked.

You whined and your head rolled back.  “But I like it.  They have Platform 9 and three quarters.”

Both Pepper and Tony looked at you deadpan.  “And that’s enough reason to subject our kids to that outside?”

You huffed, straightened up and took a large bite out of the sandwich you’d made.  “I guess not.  But what if it doesn’t last?”

“Honey, can you please swallow before you speak.”  Pepper said turning her head.

“And what if it does last?  What if they’re always just hounded all the time?  Do you know what it’s like to grow up with that?  To have the spotlight on you constantly.  To be expected to just be on all the time as a child.  To be expected to be something when all you want to do is play with your new remote controlled car?”  Tony said the pain of the childhood lived under constant scrutiny bubbling up.

You put your sandwich down and took his hand and started gently playing with his fingers.  “I’m sorry, Tony.  I guess I didn’t really think about what it would be like growing up with that.”

“It’s okay.  Why would you?  You got a normal life.  I mean, I guess I shouldn’t complain, money and all that.”  He said, shifting a little in his seat and giving a small half smile.  He always felt that he shouldn’t complain about that part of his life.  It was one thing to tear Howard a new one for his neglectful and often abusive parenting, it was another to complain about the negative trappings of celebrity when he basked in the positive parts of it.  The anxiety of public speaking and being hounded by people was something you smothered.  You put on your Armani and your designer sunglasses and you faked it.

“Hey,”  Pepper said cupping his cheek.  “You lived it.  Just because some aspects of your life are good doesn’t mean you should have to put up with the bad.  Nor does it mean you should want to inflict the bad on your kids.”

Tony leaned in against her and rested his head against Pepper’s chest.  She carded her fingers through his hair and he felt himself relax under her touch.  His hands moved to her stomach almost on autopilot.  She was only barely showing.  That ‘maybe she just had a large meal’ look.  But he loved to touch you both.  He loved thinking about how little there was between him and his kids when he did that.  “Thank you.”  He barely whispered.

“How are we going to protect them from that though?  I mean… I’m not making this as an argument to stay here, but the only place that there is none of that is the compound and we’ve already said we can’t raise them there.”   You asked.  “I know other places aren’t as bad as this, but they are still there. It’s possible this is just bad because of circumstances.  We aren’t here often.  There are baby rumors.  Maybe after they get used to us, they will chill.”

“Maybe.  Maybe they won’t.”  Pepper said.  “The schools here are good.  The city is nice but with how far it is from the Avengers and S.I.’s main base of operations.  It’s not ideal and with the chance that we won’t even be able to go outside with the babies without being swarmed, I think we just have to say London isn’t right for us.”

You sighed and nodded giving Tony’s hand a squeeze.  “I really liked that Townhouse we looked at.”

Tony chuckled.  “It was nice. I could see exactly where I was going to put FRIDAY.”

“We can steal the things we liked though,”  Pepper said.

“Like that walk in.”  You said.

“Like the walk in.”  She agreed.

“Can we still go have morning tea at the Ritz?”  You asked.

Pepper poked your side.  “Absolutely we can.”

“And see The Mousetrap?”

Tony started laughing.  “You are such a tourist.  Yes, we can do that.  Then home I guess.”

Pepper nodded in agreement.  “Just gotta think about where to next.  I love the Windmill.  You think the Hampton’s would be okay?  It’s not exactly near anything.”

Tony pulled back away from Pepper.  “If we’re going to do remote, how about I take you to the place in Australia.”

Pepper tilted her head to the side.  “You’ve never taken me there.  I guess it’s worth a look.  I don’t think it fits any of the criteria though.”

“I know.  But if nothing else, it will be a nice holiday.  I’d like to take you there.  There’s a reason I bought it.”  Tony said.

“Australia it is,”  Pepper said with a nod.  “Why not?”

Tony kissed her softly and then did the same to you.  He thought back to the few times he’d been there, why he’d bought it in the first place.  How good it felt to just be anonymous.  Maybe it wouldn’t be the place to go, but maybe for a while, it could be a place for them to escape how hectic this had all been.

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